The Technician

About four years ago my family was falling apart and I got wrapped up in the middle. I was caught in a downward spiral, and was sent to a therapist, who then sent me to a psychiatrist for depression. It was then that I was put on my first bout of anti-depressants. Many combinations were tried but the final decision was to stay with both Prozac and Wellbutrin . For those who have never encountered such drugs, it’s a lot to take together.

And so the cycle began. Every morning, I would wake up take my medicine and check out with the world. I stopped caring about the most important aspects of my life and quickly lost 15 pounds without even trying. My grades never really faltered and I seemed to be improving with my “depression;” so a year later it was decided that I was “okay” to quit taking my anti-depressants.

No more than a month after I had stopped taking the anti-depressants, I had gained almost thirty pounds, lost my co-op job, and my love interest left. Coupled with the fact that most of my “friends” had deserted me during my initial depression. I felt completely lost, hopeless even. Not to mention, my self esteem hit rock bottom from all of the weight gain. I tried coping with this “new” dilemma and found myself back where I had started a year before. It was finally after one of my many out bursts, which eventually lead to crying spells, that my mom flat out told me to go back on the anti-depressants. I’m sure she only had the best intentions for me just as any mother would.

It had been seven or so months after my last batch of anti-depressants, about the average time it takes for the medication to fully leave your system, in that time the patent had been released on both Prozac and Wellbutrin leaving me with a “generic” drug. My psychiatrist ensured me that there was normally only 2% difference in the drug and I would not feel the effects. But I did feel the effects. I continued to spiral downward, even though I had thought I had already hit rock bottom, apparently there was sand underneath, and my world once again began to crumble. I began to think about this world without me. Would anyone care if I was gone? Life would go on without me right?

These thoughts circulated in my head until, on a day I will never forget, I cracked. I was in the gym with a good friend of mine when I just started balling my eyes out. Although they continued to ask me what was wrong I couldn’t tell them. All I could say was, “Something isn’t right.” I was taken to the Wellness Center, who then proceeded to ask whether I wanted to drop all of my twenty credits and take a term off. How could I take a term off? After losing everything after the first time around, why would I drop out of the one thing that was keeping me going? I talked with the Wellness Center for a good hour or so before they decided to send me back to my primary care therapist for a “real” evaluation. It was at that point in my life that I vowed never to take another anti-depressant again in my life. I decided that no matter how bad things got, I would never go back to them.

That day, I “cold turkey” stopped taking anti-depressants. Since then I have never fully recovered. I have been in a constant state of weight gain, mood fluctuation and what I like to call a “foggy brain.” So I went back to the therapist and psychiatrist and was then prescribed Adderall. It worked great for my “foggy brain,” but I started to notice a severe withdrawal symptom around 2pm or so. So my psychiatrist upped the dosage from 20mg a day to 30mg a day (20 in the morning and 10 around noon). Again this combination worked for about a month until the constant mood swings took over. It was because I was taking so much in the morning coming half down by noon and then flying half up again and then finally crashing at night. 

The fluctuation was more than I could handle. And I again went back to my psychiatrist, who then recommended this new just-on-the-market drug called Vyvanse. It’s basically a time release version of Adderall. I have only been on this for a week and am unable to report on any side effects. However, I can tell you that when I forget to take my meds or on weekends when I don’t take them, I become a completely different person. My concentration comes to a screeching halt and I am completely useless for that day. I am addicted to Adderall. It has taken over my life, starting with anti-depressants and then moving to concentration medications.

But the real question is, what have they really done for me?